Broken Engagement

I don't know why I'm writing about something so personal, but it's been awhile since I had ended my engagment, and I need somewhere to vent. I was never the type to think about marriage and how I wanted my wedding. I always believed that the process of getting engaged and then married is unfair to women. When my ex-fiance proposed, I was taken completely off-guard. We had been broken up for a month, and he asked me to go away for the weekend. I thought it was a "make-up" weekend, but instead, he proposed! After he proposed, I immediately ran into the bathroom and cried. These were not happy tears. I felt like my life had ended, and I wasn't ready for it to be taken away. But when I finally came out of the bathroom and he looked at me and asked if my answer was "yes," I didn't have the courage, at the time, to say "no." I kept convincing myself that I should marry him, and we went through the entire planning process. I bought a dress. We put deposits down on the reception location, for the DJ, and for a photographer. We asked friends and family members to be in our bridal party, and we even printed up our invitations. And all this time, I had major doubts. Strangely enough, at the time, he was my best friend, and so we were able to talk about all of my doubts and he convinced me that I just had cold feet and everyone went through that. But in my heart, I knew something else was wrong. During this time, a friend of mine sent me a copy of the book, "The Unconscious Bride." She didn't know we were going through anything, but the book helped immensely. It put a lot into perspective for me, and it gave me time to think about what I really wanted...which was something I had never thought about in-depth. I realized that I do want to get married because I want to have children, and it's easier raising children with a partner. I also began looking at what I wanted in a life partner, and many of those wishes were not in my ex-fiance. I wanted someone who believed in God, someone who wanted children, someone who wanted to raise children with the belief in God, someone who was financially stable, someone who was passionate about his work and life, in general, someone who was a loyal friend, and someone who believed that a marriage was about putting in 100% as much as possible, but when there are moments where it's not possible...that the other person would pick up the slack. It may be a tall order, but I looked at this list, and that's when I pretty much knew he wasn't the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But it still took a lot more time, prayer, and courage to finally end things. We were engaged November, 2001, and 4 months before the wedding date of August, 2003, my prayers were answered, and I ended the engagement. Luckily, none of the invitations were sent out yet. His mother sent me a very nasty and bitter letter the night before the wedding date, but my ex-fiance has always dealt with the matter graciously and kindly. In fact, today...he lives in New York City, has a fantastic job, and seems very happy. I think we both realized that we did the right thing, at the time.